Monday, June 8, 2015

I'm still here.

Hello, friends. Long time, no see.

I know that it's been pretty much forever since I've posted anything here at the Diary. I'm really sorry I haven't been updating you on my progress, but there's two reasons for that:

1.) You know I've never been a regular, every-single-day poster here.

2.) I've been going through a major down-swing in my continuing battle with depression. 

I've told you in previous posts about my anxiety and my OCD, but I honestly don't recall if I ever told you that I suffer from depression as well. I know now that it's the depression which is mainly at fault for my not feeling like writing. I don't take medication for any of these disorders because for so much of my life major mood swings were so few and far between. I'm a perfectly functioning adult in all aspects of my life except when it comes to my emotions. I've been advised to seek medical intervention, and given the endurance and increasing frequency of the occurences, I may soon do so.

But until then, I battle hard against myself. 

I'm not telling you any of this to garner unwarrented sympathy. I've never liked to be pitied. I'm just hoping that by explaining some of what I've been going through in recent months it will help those of you who have remained supportive to understand why I haven't been around. Why I haven't been writing. Because believe me, I want to write. I want with near-desperation to be writing all the stories that live in my head, to give my characters life, so that you can enjoy them. But wanting to do something doesn't mean I can actually get it done. I simply haven't felt that drive we writers get that enables the voices of our characters to translate into words. 

And believe me, I hate that I haven't felt it more than you do. 

There is, however, some light finally appearing at the end of what's turned out to be a very long, very dark tunnel. I was discussing one of my numerous ideas with a good friend of mine tonight, and it appears to have ignited a spark within me. I don't know as yet if that spark will become a flame and the flame an inferno, but I'll play with it for as long as the fire burns. Please cross your fingers for me and send me all the positive vibes and thoughts you can spare my way—because I want so much to get back in the game. For myself, of course, but also for every single one of you who has stuck by me even when it looked like I'd disappeared.

Thank you all so very much for your love and support. I promise that though times may get tough, you will never regret it.

~ Christina