I'm still here.

Hello, friends. Long time, no see.

I know that it's been pretty much forever since I've posted anything here at the Diary. I'm really sorry I haven't been updating you on my progress, but there's two reasons for that:

1.) You know I've never been a regular, every-single-day poster here.

2.) I've been going through a major down-swing in my continuing battle with depression. 

I've told you in previous posts about my anxiety and my OCD, but I honestly don't recall if I ever told you that I suffer from depression as well. I know now that it's the depression which is mainly at fault for my not feeling like writing. I don't take medication for any of these disorders because for so much of my life major mood swings were so few and far between. I'm a perfectly functioning adult in all aspects of my life except when it comes to my emotions. I've been advised to seek medical intervention, and given the endurance and increasing frequency of the occurences, I may soon do so.

But until then, I battle hard against myself...by myself. 

I'm not telling you any of this to garner unwarrented sympathy. I've never liked to be pitied. I'm just hoping that by explaining some of what I've been going through in recent months it will help those of you who have remained supportive to understand why I haven't been around. Why I haven't been writing. Because believe me, I want to write. I want with near-desperation to be writing all the stories that live in my head, to give my characters life, so that you can enjoy them. But wanting to do something doesn't mean I can actually get it done. I simply haven't felt that drive we writers get that enables the voices of our characters to translate into words. 

And believe me, I hate that I haven't felt it more than you do. 

There is, however, some light finally appearing at the end of what's turned out to be a very long, very dark tunnel. I was discussing one of my numerous ideas with a good friend of mine tonight, and it appears to have ignited a spark within me. I don't know as yet if that spark will become a flame and the flame an inferno, but I'll play with it for as long as the fire burns. Please cross your fingers for me and send me all the positive vibes and thoughts you can spare my way—because I want so much to get back in the game. For myself, of course, but also for every single one of you who has stuck by me even when it looked like I'd disappeared.

Thank you all so very much for your love and support. I promise that though times may get tough, you will never regret it.

~ Christina

Writing Woes

I don't know what it is about me that makes finding my creative spark so difficult sometimes. 

I mean, I want to write. I want to put the words on the screen and get them published and entertain people with my stories. I've got talent and I want to share it. I'm a good storyteller, or so I've been told. ;)  And even in a market already flooded with stories, I know that readers are always on the lookout for something new. Something exciting. Something engrossing.

Even knowing all of this, even knowing that the more I write, the more money I will make doing it, I often find it difficult to get motivated. Extremely so, at times. I have stories playing out in my head all the time, am often inspired with new ideas. Anm envious of the success and following some of my fellow indie writers have. And still I find it a pain in the ass to just get started on something.

On my hard drive right now are eight stories for publishing that I started over the years and just haven't finished. I've multiple series in mind for which I have written one or more books, or have made numerous notes on, but either have not written a sequel or even the first book. I've at least two short stories I want to expand into either a novella or a full novel. I've also three fan fiction stories that I am in the midst of writing. In fact, my latest -- taking place just after the events of The Hobbit and featuring a character created just for the films -- has recently occupied much of my free time the last few weeks. It has been one of those stories that just grabbed a hold of me and demanded to be written.

Yet even that now fails me. I want to work on it -- on all of them, really -- but just don't feel like it.

What does that even mean? How is it possible to want to do something, but not feel like doing it? Is it laziness? Procrastination? How does one lose their creative spark? How can they light an ember and turn it into an inferno?

I know that the simplest answer to some of those questions is to just write. And the truth is, that really is easer said than done sometimes. Not everyone can force creativity. Not every writer can just think of something and bust it out in hours or days or weeks or what have you. Something has to drive them, to push them forward, to grab hold and not let go until the story is DONE. I have that sometimes, like with the fanfic I have been working on the last couple weeks, but too often I lose it before the story is finished. 

I honestly don't know why, either. So many things could be contributing to my problem, which when I think about it always feels as though it's connected to my emotions. And before you ask "Does your writing make you happy?", let me just say that yes, it does. I love to write. I love to create characters and worlds that are imaginative and entertaining, and even if I never made a dime (which I didn't for years of writing fan fiction), I would enjoy writing. 

But maybe that's not enough anymore. Because if I'm not happy in my life in genereal, then it always throws off my creativity. Or kills it entirely. Or maybe I'm somehow still missing something, I don't know. I just know that despite how much I truly want to write, I go through these slumps where it doesn't matter how much I want to do it, I just can't seem to get up the motivation. Something needs to change. I know it has to be me. Now I just need to figure out what it is and do it.