I don't know what it is about me that makes finding my creative spark so difficult sometimes.
I mean, I want to write. I want to put the words on the screen and get them published and entertain people with my stories. I've got talent and I want to share it. I'm a good storyteller, or so I've been told. ;) And even in a market already flooded with stories, I know that readers are always on the lookout for something new. Something exciting. Something engrossing.
Even knowing all of this, even knowing that the more I write, the more money I will make doing it, I often find it difficult to get motivated. Extremely so, at times. I have stories playing out in my head all the time, am often inspired with new ideas. Anm envious of the success and following some of my fellow indie writers have. And still I find it a pain in the ass to just get started on something.
On my hard drive right now are eight stories for publishing that I started over the years and just haven't finished. I've multiple series in mind for which I have written one or more books, or have made numerous notes on, but either have not written a sequel or even the first book. I've at least two short stories I want to expand into either a novella or a full novel. I've also three fan fiction stories that I am in the midst of writing. In fact, my latest -- taking place just after the events of The Hobbit and featuring a character created just for the films -- has recently occupied much of my free time the last few weeks. It has been one of those stories that just grabbed a hold of me and demanded to be written.
Yet even that now fails me. I want to work on it -- on all of them, really -- but just don't feel like it.
What does that even mean? How is it possible to want to do something, but not feel like doing it? Is it laziness? Procrastination? How does one lose their creative spark? How can they light an ember and turn it into an inferno?
I know that the simplest answer to some of those questions is to just write. And the truth is, that really is easer said than done sometimes. Not everyone can force creativity. Not every writer can just think of something and bust it out in hours or days or weeks or what have you. Something has to drive them, to push them forward, to grab hold and not let go until the story is DONE. I have that sometimes, like with the fanfic I have been working on the last couple weeks, but too often I lose it before the story is finished.
I honestly don't know why, either. So many things could be contributing to my problem, which when I think about it always feels as though it's connected to my emotions. And before you ask "Does your writing make you happy?", let me just say that yes, it does. I love to write. I love to create characters and worlds that are imaginative and entertaining, and even if I never made a dime (which I didn't for years of writing fan fiction), I would enjoy writing.
But maybe that's not enough anymore. Because if I'm not happy in my life in genereal, then it always throws off my creativity. Or kills it entirely. Or maybe I'm somehow still missing something, I don't know. I just know that despite how much I truly want to write, I go through these slumps where it doesn't matter how much I want to do it, I just can't seem to get up the motivation. Something needs to change. I know it has to be me. Now I just need to figure out what it is and do it.